


(Not So) Exclusive

by Am-Chau (Vacillating)



Category: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Genre: Interview, Multi, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:53:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vacillating/pseuds/Am-Chau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A journalist drops in on Pam Marenghi one Friday afternoon, for a chat about her husband and his career.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Not So) Exclusive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amberspyglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberspyglass/gifts).



> I tried to maintain some of the "cheese and awkwardness of the original", as requested, while offering a slightly different take on events as well. I hope you enjoy it!

_Interview with Ms Pamela Marenghi, 22nd January 2010:_

 

What was it like to live with Garth, you want to know?

Well, I remember Garth saying to me, "I can feel the hell-beast calling. I'd better ring Dean to talk about casting."

That was the first morning of our honeymoon. He always was closer to Dean than he was to me; sometimes I'd say, "Why don't you just marry him, then?" when we were having a row.

Garth would always explain, slowly and carefully because as a woman I couldn't possibly be joking, that he wasn't homosexual, that he loved Dean like a brother, than one drunken blowjob didn't count for anything, that he'd apologised already, and I really ought to forgive and forget

Well, I forgave. Of course I did; Garth's a special man, a dream weaver, a visionary, a shaman for the modern world. That doesn't mean I forgot.

"We need someone to play the zombie," Garth said one morning, shaking my shoulder to wake me up. "Come on, get dressed, you'll do."

I was a bit nervous about going on screen, and said so as we drove down to the studios.

"Don't worry about it, Pam," Garth said. "It's my story, so all you have to do is get the words in the right order and it'll flow from there."

"I don't know, Garth. What if I keep making the wrong expression?"

Garth shrugged.

"Dean can do it, it can't be that hard," he said, and we left it there.

It turned out that the only reason I was allowed to play a zombie was that it involved wearing a full body suit an inch deep, which not only hid my bulgy bits and floppy breasts but also allowed them to have bits of skin falling off. I never did get exactly what the plot was, but I was basically a woman who'd been fine before a terrible mistake was made while she was in labour, turning her into a flesh-eating monster.

She started with her own newborn son, as those familiar with Garth's work might expect. I think he's always been a bit disappointed about his low sperm count.

Anyway, I found out a lot of interesting things that day. Some of them were about Madeleine, but Garth's sworn me to secrecy about those so you'll have to wait until he's dead to hear them. (I trust he'll die before I do; he barely eats anything that's not made of meat, and frankly, that's basically a heart attack on a plate.)

The story I want to tell, though, is fine now that we're divorced. It's about him and Dean, and how they're a bit of a boys' club when they get together. Maybe boys' club isn't quite what I mean. It's more like a gentlemans' club, if you will. I think they call it a gay bar at the other end of town.

Garth's always lived in London, and he's seen a lot of what the world can do, but Dean never seems to notice that. He's always trying to protect Garth, not just from unscrupulous agents and television companies who can't see talent when it's standing on their doorstep begging to be let in, but from himself.

I'll give you an example, and you can draw your own conclusions. I must say, it's nice of you to take an interest.

We filmed the final scene with the zombie - you know, you must have seen it, and if you haven't, I won't spoil it -

Oh, hasn't that episode been shown yet? I thought they all had?

What happened, roughly, was that the zombie had bitten Todd's - that is to say, Lucien's - shoulder, infecting him, and Garth, as Rick, had to come in the last moment, shoot me in the head, and save the day. He'd already shot his standing-on-the-roof-brooding scene, so this was actually the final scene for the day.

The first bit went well. Garth shot me - blanks in the pistol, of course - and ran to help Lucien. Todd was supposed to writhe around a bit while Garth pretended to inject his arm with some anti-zombie thing they'd spent half the show cooking up.

Thing is, Todd's not that great an actor, and he wriggled much too hard when Garth put the needle into the cotton pad in Todd's shoulder. Todd managed to push the needle back. Somehow, it went into Garth's hand, where this unsterilised needle was injecting green ink into Garth.

Garth screams like a girl, of course. He's always hated needles and the sight of blood - I think he only managed not to faint on set by reminding himself constantly that it was all tomato ketchup. Dean shouts 'Cut!' and runs onto the set, but he slipped over on some of that ketchup they threw everywhere.

In the end, we had to call an ambulance. Garth was fine, just a bit dizzy, but Dean had broken his arm - I remember Garth spent hours the next week trying to work out how to get a sling into the storyline for Thornton Reid, because otherwise it just wouldn't make any sense. Anyway, that's by the by. Garth insisted on going in the ambulance with Dean - first he said it was because Dean kept asking for him, which was true; then he said it was because he might have tetanus, which the paramedics said was highly unlikely. He talked himself into there, though.

He had to talk himself out, too. When they got him to the hospital, the doctor referred him to the psychiatric wing because he kept talking about monsters and messages from the beyond. He was probably just annoyed that nobody recognised him!

I said I'd let you judge for yourself, so I'll stop there.

No, I don't think I've got anything else to say. Where's Garth living now? Well, he's in Dean's spare room until the royalties on the new book arrive.

Well, I'm hardly surprised to hear that it's not in stores yet. I think Dean's still looking for a publisher for it.

You're welcome. It's nice to remember the old days. Don't worry, I'll try - you have a good weekend too!


End file.
